Grief

The Husband died on June 11th.

Cry: to produce tears from your eyes often while making loud sounds 

because of pain, sorrow, or other strong emotions

Sob: to cry noisily while taking in short, sudden breaths

Weep: to cry because you are very sad or are feeling some other strong emotion

Sad: affected with or expressive of grief or unhappiness

Grief: deep sadness caused especially by someone's death

Bawl: to cry very loudly

I have cried, sobbed, wept, felt very sad and been grief stricken since that day.

Tonight, I bawled.

And bawled.

And bawled.

I bawled as I was cleaning out the refrigerator.

Sorting through the remnants of food brought to the house by friends and family,

I started making decisions about what to keep and what to throw away. 

My thought was, "Oh, this has been here too long. It's no good. Time for it to go."

Suddenly, grief hit me like a ton of bricks.

The Husband has been gone 11 days and he is never coming back.

How can that be?

I ran across this picture of him today. It's one of my favorites. 

It was taken on Johnson Mesa in the early 1990's.

Remembering Daddy

Billy Wayne Carnahan

July 17, 1928 - September 10, 2001

Photo taken August 27, 1994

Funerals

We seem to be in one of those phases of life where every time we turn around, someone we know has died.

We've attended three funerals within the last few weeks.

Yesterday we learned that one of The Husband's high school friends had passed away after a long illness. That funeral will be next week.

To top it all off, I opened the obituary section of the paper yesterday and saw that one of The Husband's earliest childhood friends (pre-kindergarten) had passed and his funeral is today.

I'm ready for this phase to finish immediately!  I want to move on to the life phase where we celebrate weddings and babies and such.

Do you find funerals come in multiples in your life?

My Memories of September 11, 2001

My Dad died at 2:00pm on September 10, 2001.

My Mom was on the phone with my brother

when Daddy passed.

My brother immediately made arrangements to fly home.

On September 11, 2001

My brother lives on the east coast of the USA.

Near Boston

That morning, The Sister phoned and Mom answered. They chatted for a minute and my sister asked to speak to me.

She asked, "Do you have the TV on?"

I replied, "No."

She said, "Turn it on now, but don't let Mom see."

I asked, "Why?"

She said, "A plane has hit the World Trade Center. They think it is a passenger plane from Boston. Tom (her fiance) and I are on our way there."

My response? "Oh My God!"

I tell The Husband, "Turn on the TV."

He turns on the bedroom TV and we watch in awe of the unfolding events.

Mom, bless her heart, was focused on getting Daddy's clothes together to take to the funeral home.

The Sister and Tom arrive and the TV in the living room was turned on.

Mom finally became aware of the situation.

She told us she was sure our brother was flying from a New Hampshire airport and not Boston. But she did not have his flight information.

As you can imagine, we were extremely worried.

The Sister and I both started phoning airlines,

but they could not give us any information.

The airline personnel were so nice and really wanted to help us. Unfortunately, their hands were tied by regulations, even though they knew of the unfolding tragedy.

We understood, but were distressed.

As I hung up from an airline call, and as The Husband and Tom watched television,
the phone rang.

It was our brother.

His first words to me,

"What's going on?"

His flight had been grounded in Atlanta. He knew nothing, other than the pilot saying they were being grounded because of an incident in NYC at the World Trade Center. The pilot mentioned his brother worked in the towers and he hoped everything was alright.

My first words to him,

"Oh my god, I'm so happy to hear your voice!"

In the background,

I hear The Husband and Tom yelling,

"It's falling! It's falling!"

I turned around, looked at the television and said to my brother:

"The World Trade Center buildings and the Pentagon have been hit by passenger airplanes. One of the World Trade Center buildings has just collapsed. Other airplanes are missing. The United States is under attack. I am so glad to hear your voice!"

Long story short:

The Brother was able to get a rental car out of Atlanta and drive to Tulsa.

Daddy's funeral was delayed a day or two, I can't remember. Perhaps it was two days.

In the midst of the immediate, personal grief of our family, we also experienced the grief and fear of a nation.

I will never forget that day.

What happened to you on September 11, 2001?

I Miss My Dad

My Dad died on September 10, 2001.

The Hospice nurse was there on her daily visit.

I was the only family member in the room.

I looked at the nurse and said, "You don't think?"

She said, "Yes."

I can't believe it's been 10 years.

Here he is with his granny at about 8 years of age.

He served in the Korean War

He came home and married Mom.

Here he is as a family man, 

with his wife, mom and granny, 

as well as his first two children.

(Yes, I've always been chubby.)

Baby sister wasn't born when the above picture was taken.

 Here they are together much later.

And here is his final resting place.

Miss you, Daddy.

Billy Wayne Carnahan

born 07/17/1928

died 09/10/2001

Happy Father's Day

My Dad in August, 1994 at my wedding to The Husband:

The Husband's Dad, at our wedding in August, 1994:

Unfortunately, they are no longer with us. We miss them both, very, very much.

They would so enjoy the grand and great-grandchildren who have joined the family, both by marriage and by birth, since they have been gone.

They would also enjoy all the travel stories, education stories, and home move/purchase stories by family members.

Bill and Jesse, we miss you every day, in ways big and small.

Thanks for being our Fathers. We could not have asked for anyone better.

Funeral Plants

I've been married to The Husband for 16.5 years. Prior to our marriage, we worked at the same office, so I was acquainted with him for 5 or so years before our marriage.

I did not know him when his paternal Grandmother passed away. If I've known him 20+ years, that means his Grandmother passed away 23-25 years ago. When she died, he took home a funeral ivy. When I met him, it was a big, lovely plant in a clay pot. The plant has been with us for our entire marriage.

The last 6-9 months, the plant has not looked well. I recently trimmed up the plant and kept only the most healthy pieces.

There was not much left.

I hope the ivy survives and thrives. The Husband and I would be very sad if it died.

Do you have "funeral plants" from when your family members have passed on?

Good Bye, Great Aunt Clorine

My mother, sister and I drove to Viney Grove/Prairie Grove, Arkansas this week to pay our final respects to Great Aunt Clorine, the wife of my father's uncle.

When I was 10-12 years old, Aunt Clorine bought a brand spanking new sewing machine. She thought of me just learning to sew and knew her old machine would be a good starter for me. I used that machine for probably 20 years, before it died.

She confided in me years later that she regretted giving me that machine, because she never did learn to like her new one!

Aunt Clorine was a sweet, pretty lady. She and Uncle Gene were married 67 years. Bless his heart, he is going to miss her so much.

We'll miss you, Aunt Clorine. Rest well.

P.S. Last year I wrote a short post about attending the funeral of my cousin's husband. I mentioned that he was a well known boys basketball coach. I saw their joint headstone this week, while attending Aunt Clorine's funeral. I didn't mention earlier that my cousin is also a well known girls basketball coach. This headstone perfectly reflects their love of the game and it made us all smile.

Yes, death is serious and sad, but the remembering doesn't have to be!

Mullinville, Kansas - Recycle, Reuse, Repurpose

After leaving Dodge City, we drove and drove and ended up in:

This was a very interesting little town for a couple of reasons. First was a Yard Art Studio.

The artist making one, of many, statements:

The artist has created an OVERWHELMING amount of yard art. We took the following video, in an attempt to give you an idea of the quantity. Let me just say, the video does not capture the awe inspiring reality.

As we drove around the town (all the better to get the video), we saw that a number of the houses proudly displayed items from this artist. We took photos of a few pieces in a couple of yards.

Yard # 1:

Yard # 2:

Second interesting item, as we drove out of town:

Our thoughts were "Not the kind of sign a person expects to see in Kansas."

As we continued motoring down the road, we came to the town of Greensburg, KS. On May 4, 2007, an EF5 tornado destroyed 95% of the town and killed 11 people. Greensburg is rebuilding as a "green" town. As we drove through town, everywhere we looked there were signs of construction, which equates to progress in the rebuilding effort.

The contrast in these two towns made me think:

• It just goes to show, it can be "fun & games" in one location, while it is "life & death" in another location not far away.
• Practice tolerance. (You don't have to accept, but peacefully tolerate).
• Support others through their tragedies.
• Enjoy life every day.

Thanks, Kansas, for providing an interesting drive.

Little Posers!

Funerals are not good. 

But they are not all bad, either. 

They provide time for family to reconnect.

We attended a dinner with the brother-in-law's family and following are a few scenes from that event.

Our sweet Baby L commandeering an appetizer plate:

Mine! All Mine!

Four of Grandma's youngest grandchildren:

All I asked was to take their picture.

Look at how they IMMEDIATELY posed for me!

Families are the most important thing in the world.

And, isn't it great that youth is always present at funerals?

They are the future!

My Brother-in-Law's Mother

I've been absent from here for a few days.

The Husband and I left late last week to drive to northwest Indiana for the funeral of my sister's husband's mother.

Nancy was a funny, funny lady. 

She and I shared many fashion favorites:

• Glitter
• Rhinestones
• Gold Lame
• Sparkly Jewelry
• Bright, Shiny Colors
• Animal Prints

I carried this purse all weekend in Nancy's honor. I thought it was appropriate. Fortunately, so did her children!

Nancy's loving husband, 7 children, 16 grandchildren and 9 great grandchildren are going to miss her very much.

As will we.

Good Bye, Great Aunt Hester

My Sister phoned me last night to tell me she was just told that our Great Aunt Hester died that morning. Aunt Hester was born, raised, married, lived and died in a small area of NW Arkansas.

Aunt Hester and Uncle Herbert (my father's uncle) had a farm with cows, chickens, pigs, etc. They had a big pond with fish and snakes. They put in a HUGE garden every year. Every year, my brother, sister and I would spend a summer week at the farm, escorted by our Granny (my father's mom).

We have the best memories from those weeks. They made sure the city kids had a good time.

I'll never forget Aunt Hester saying "Lawzy me!" when she heard something interesting.

I'll never forget Granny and Aunt Hester sitting down for a cup of coffee and a piece of pie (or cake or a cookie) and talking about various family members. I heard a lot of "Lawzy me's" during those conversations!

I'll never forget Aunt Pearl coming from the "big" city to "do" Granny's hair while we were at the farm. Then, we would all go visit Aunt Ruby, Aunt Opal and Aunt Emma. My great-aunts had wonderful names: Pearl, Ruby, Opal. And my granny's name was Jewel.

I'll never forget Aunt Hester teaching me to gather the eggs from the chicken coop. Or, her sending me out there by myself to get the eggs and the rooster chasing me.

I'll never forget her asking us if we wanted chicken and dumplings for dinner and when we said yes, she went outside and WRUNG A CHICKEN'S NECK!

I'll never forget her "temporarily" shortening one of my dresses so I could wear it to a community get-together and she didn't tell my mom.

Aunt Hester was 94 years old. I last saw her one year ago at Great Uncle Gene's 90th birthday party at the small community center in NW Arkansas. (Coincidently, yesterday was also Uncle Gene's 91st birthday.)

She didn't see or hear so good when I last saw her. I sat next to her and held her hand and said, "Hello, Aunt Hester. It's Cindy."

She turned to me, looking confused. So I said, "I'm Cindy. Billy Wayne's daughter."

She said, "Billy Wayne?" I said, "Yes, Billy Wayne's daughter. Bill and Jewel's granddaughter."

She said, "Oh, Cindy. Lawzy me. How are you?"

I loved that woman.

Rest in peace, Aunt Hester.

Good Bye!

Good bye, Pernell Roberts.

I loved you as Adam Cartwright and I loved you as John MacIntyre.

Weekend

The weekend was a strange mixture of sadness and beauty.

We went to NW Arkansas this weekend to attend the funeral of my cousin's husband, which was sad. However, the service was very uplifting. He was a very well known high school coach and the turnout for the funeral was tremendous. Lots of stories were told about "Coach K" that caused as much laughter as there were tears.

We packed a bag, thinking we would go to Eureka Springs after the funeral to spend the night. The drive over was great. The color in the trees was wonderful. Unfortunately, we should have phoned for a room first. The was a craft festival in town and there were no rooms to be had. No matter, we enjoyed the drive. We also enjoyed the drive home. The sunset reflecting light on the clouds was beautiful. The colors were indescribable.

The Husband and I have always been good at seizing opportunities to take little weekend get away trips. We have reaffirmed that vow again this weekend. Life can change in such a short time. Seize all opportunites to live it to the fullest.

Time Honored Tradition

It's a time honored tradition in these parts to provide food to families who have lost a loved one.

I'm writing this post for two reasons:

1. The Pioneer Woman mentioned funeral potatoes in this post. I can't wait to see the recipe.
2. Our neighbors lost a loved one recently and I prepared my standard funeral meal for delivery.

We typically provide the following:

• Sister Schubert's Dinner Rolls (frozen)
• Salad in a Bag
• Overnight Chicken Casserole (recipe as follows):

Overnight Chicken Casserole *

2 cups chicken (cooked and boned) {or canned}

2 cups macaroni (uncooked)

2 cans mushroom soup, undiluted

1 cup milk

1 cup chicken broth

1 small onion, chopped

1/2 green pepper, chopped (I use the entire pepper.)

1/2 lb grated cheese

Mix all ingrediants together and put in a 9x13 pan and refrigerate overnight, covered. Uncover and bake at 350 degrees for 1 hour.

Do you have a favorite dish or meal you prepare for your neighbors or friends in this situation?

What is your time honored tradition?

* From my S-i-L's collection, lovingly assembled from her personal recipes and from family and friends. Thanks, Claudia!

Who Will Clean Out Your Purse?

My sweet Mother-in-Law, Lucye, died August 3, 2008.

I cleaned out her purse Saturday, August 29, 2009 - after it sat on a chair in our dining room since the end of May, 2009.

We retrieved the purse from one of Lucye's grand-daughters after the death of Lucye's daughter (my sister-in-law, Patti) in May, 2009.

The first time MY sister and her family came to our house for dinner after we retrieved Lucye's purse, my sister walked into the dining room, saw "Nanny's" purse, picked it up and said:

"Is Nanny here?"

That is how much that purse was identified with Lucye.

Going through my sweet mother-in-law's purse was more difficult than I imagined it would be. She had all the typical things you and I would have in our purses:

1. Face powder
2. Lipstick
3. Finger nail polish
4. Finger nail file
5. Hairbrush
6. Toothbrush & toothpaste
7. Ring of keys
8. Wallet
9. Handicapped Parking Sticker (okay, not typical for us!)

In the wallet:

1. Driver's license
2. Insurance cards
3. Voter registration (Lucye was a good Democrat!)
4. Social Security Card
5. Homeland Grocery Store card
6. Blank check for her checking account (you go, girl!)
7. Coins, but no dollar bills.

Before I opened the purse, I asked my husband (her son) if he wanted to do this with me. "No." was the response.

I did, however, lay out a number of things from her wallet that he looked at and will be keeping.

I was surprised at how emotional this exercise was for me. I knew it would be emotional for The Husband, but had no idea how it would affect me.

It made me think:

"Who will clean out my purse when I'm gone?"

"What will they find?"

I Am So Very Sad...

I had no intentions, what so ever, to write YET ANOTHER death post on my blog until absolutely required.

I just, however, logged on to the internet and found that Walter Cronkite died.

Walter Cronkite!

He is why I watch the CBS Evening News to this very day.

Please, Make It Stop

In the early 1970's, The Husband "ran away from home." Which is how his Mother, until the day she died, jokingly referred to it. Of course, he was in his early 20's and "it was the 70's, for gawd's sake!"

He lived in Connecticut a number of years and made quite a few good friends. Friends who he maintains contact with to this day.

Unfortunately, this week The Husband received an e-mail from one of these friends, advising that his wife had unexpectedly passed away. The Husband, of course, got on the phone with him that day. They had a very good, but very sad, conversation.

I have only met this couple in person two or three times since The Husband and I married. Each time these folks welcomed us into their beautiful home and they reminisced about funny times with The Husband and their extended circle of friends.

The wife was so gracious and elegant. She made everything seem effortless and nothing was a problem or too much trouble for her guests.

I know her husband, children, family and friends will miss her very much.

The past 11 months have been difficult for The Husband in terms of loss. His mother, his cousin-in-law, his sister and, now, a very dear friend.

Death comes in cycles, I know. But, please, can this cycle stop for us now...for just a while?

Resumption of Normal

For the last 10 days, we have lived in a bubble of grief and disbelief.

My husband and his brother lost their sister on May 21st. Which compounded our grief of losing their mother only 9 short months ago. Between their mother and sister passing, their cousin also lost her husband.

I remember my grief at losing my father. I can hardly imagine losing my mother, much less my sister or brother, as I love them endlessly.

There has been much death and grief in our immediate and extended family. May God grant us peace and relief from sorrow. As well as the ability to function in our "new" normal.

Friday Night at Driller's Stadium

The Husband asked me if I wanted to go out to dinner on Friday night. Of course, I said yes. We had hot dogs, peanuts and beers. Whoo hoo!

It was a beautiful night.
OH. MY. GAWD. Our seats were behind two guys we have known for years through work. Randy and Craig.  They are a bit crazy.
I miss seeing these guys every day.  

They used to be part of a "comedy trio", but unfortunately the third person, Doug, passed away earlier this year. As Craig said tonight, "I keep expecting him to pop up somewhere and say 'Surprise!'." Unfortunately, that will not happen.

The Husband and I were so pleased to see these guys (and their long-suffering women) tonight. While I absolutely LOVE being a home based employee, folks like this make me miss being in an office everyday.